I don’t know what happened with Kandice. she messaged that she wanted to help but never responded to my replies and never made contact with me.
Maybe she changed her mind? It happens…in fact it happens most of the time…people respond and say they want to help but disappear some right after they send the e-mail, others after a few e-mails and almost none ever make it to actual face to face contact. I’m not sure why this happens or how much damage this does to me mentally. It’s like a cruel game…a sudden burst of hope, then t’s stripped away.
I learned that part of me wants someone to care, to value my life and worth enough to help me. Perhaps because I was abused in my youth and mistreated in my adult life I need that somewhere but the lack of it and misrepresentation of it in my life is what caused me to be so self secluded and ultimately suffering anxiety attacks and the issues I possess.
People make promises, they say things that they don’t really mean or maybe mean superficially. It makes them feel good to offer I guess whether they follow through or not but am I to feel grateful for the thought even if not fruitful? I can’t really…I was expecting it after all they offered..I need it but they have no real obligation to fulfill it so I guess they don’t. I have had offers to help me juice, build a garden, exercise, stick with me and help me lose the weight and get fit to the end. Even offers to help me learn to cook healthy dishes and even to help my son learn to ride a bike since it has been a struggle for me to and my son at 8 years old still can’t ride a bike because his father hasn’t been able to walk him through it and support him.
Offers sometimes came with weird conditions like I will become your life coach but I will have to live with you because I’m sorta homeless. I gave it some thought and if not for my kids I would have may be chanced letting this stranger live with me One lady said she was a trainer and had a farm and would help me if I signed a contract and worked on her farm feeding animals, pulling weeds or whatever she needed. Guess I would have lost weight that way but guess she didn’t understand I can’t even put on my own socks and shoes or wipe my rear end let alone pull weeds or maneuver a farm and rustle animals. My dog doesn’t even go for a walk.
I had a guy that learned how to be a trainer while in prison and got a certification as part of his drug rehab program and would train me if I took him on errands and picked him up when training because he couldn’t get a driver’s license for a few years still. Another guy who was pretty buff himself and spent a lot of time telling me what he could do and how he is creating this program and that program but never really got around to training me or anything wanted to video tape me from start to end and use me to market his future business and make commercials in exchange. I agreed to not really caring but he never followed through and I guess went into finance banking or something. He did drive a beamer, lol.
Then there is this wall above in the pic .During the summer I saw this message spray painted all around Detroit and it caught my attention. I imagined a homeless person who wanted off the streets. Wanted his life back if he ever even had much of one. Wanted a chance…a start…a helping hand…not empty promises or paths the lead nowhere. Going to the shelters…Most don’t know that a lot of shelters make you pay something to stay the night…and while $7 or $8 a day isn’t so bad for a night of warmth and a cot it can be like a million bucks when you are homeless and panhandling is not profitable or you are chased away by the police etc.
Even free meals are generally once a day and requires you to have to set through church service and prayer. Then let you in late in the afternoon to sleep and you are up and ousted by 6 am to start all over. Most don’t have id or documents needed to get help, a job, etc. or an address to have the items sent to if they could meet the requirements needed to obtain them or the money to cover it. Ever need a social security reissued when you need a lost one replaced? It’s wild you need 3 pieces of Id to get the one and it’s very restrictive…a birth certificate doesn’t count. a utility bill in your name won’t work….not likely to have a credit card or passport. It’s a weird circle and if you need one type of id to get another man you are lost.
You can’t open a bank account , you can’t get employment, an apartment, etc. These people say I am trying to help you….I need $8 for you to spend the night, I am trying to help you, you need 3 pieces of id to get this id, I know you money, I know you don’t have an address, etc. They must feel like help doesn’t exist because day after day…week after week, month after month they are still homeless, hungry, cold and alone.
My name is Kandice, I have read your story on Craigslist. I am not a trainer or a nutritionist, but I have educated myself on the subject of healthy living. My heat goes out to you for your bravery in doing this. I do not know you, but I am willing to help if I can. Please contact me so that we may discuss where you are and where you are trying to go.
The human body is so amazing and it truly attempt to adapt to situations and it’s environment.
A month or two I noticed what felt like a lump on my shin, only on the left leg. I checked the right leg several times to see if such a lump existed but it did not so I made a doctor’s appointment with ortho since it was time to have my knees checked again anyway.
Physical exam and some x-rays later and it turns out my attempts to be active comes with a price other than the pain and muscle weakness, cramps and good stuff like that. My body trying to cope with my weight has decided to increase the bone density in my leg to help support me! Who knew such a thing was possible?
But wait….Why only on my left leg I asked….Turn out that my right has extra support…my cane! The can lessens the weight and strain to my right side the bone density has not been as noticeable. Turns out part of the back pain and aching is also because the doctor has noticed that 3 vertebrae in my back have also become more dense to support my weight.
Off to podiatry. I get my toe nails clipped and trimmed and I need to get a MRI down on my right foot but as the doctor is conducting the exam he asks why do I stand the way that I do with my feet angled outward….hmmm, maybe it is the mass along my thighs that make it hard to have my legs any closer…geez. imagine a pillow taped to both of your thighs sorta had to close your legs right?
I guess a doctor would be more aware but I guess I was wrong…guess most people don’t know or understand how different obese people v.s. slender people have to do things or move, etc. Everything is a chore even the most subtle. Guess slender people never give it a thought. Riding a stationary bicycle for example is sorta like a adult riding a child’s tricycle. Legs pushed way out causing a very uncomfortable strain in the crouch.
But I also suffered from boils that developed and cysts that would rupture full of puss and blood. The skin became like leather from skin rubbing and sore with swelling and irritation in the creases of my groin area like a diaper rash. Sweat caused fungus infections in the folds of my skin and there I go with new potions and lotions and scripts to deal with symptoms not cures.
Podiatry decides I need some splints to better support my arches and help correct my stance. We’ll see what the MRI says soon I guess. in the mean time I guess my body will keep adapting and trying to take care of itself.
Today I discovered that my aunt Bootsy died yesterday. At first I was fine but less than 10 minutes later I was sitting in my vehicle crying like a baby. I was shocked by the emotion and my reaction.
The feeling that was rushing over me I hadn’t felt in such a long time. It’s a feeling I have guarded myself from feeling ever again…one that was brought back up to me and past the defenses I thought I had in place. It reminded me of when my mother died. I was num up until when the funeral was over and I collasped with no strength in my legs or arms.
Bootsy was not my real aunt per se, she was my stepfather’s sister but not one day in her life did she ever treat me without love even when she was getting me in line. She was there for me during some of the roughest points in my life. She was there when I was abused, she was there when I was in street fights, gang brawls and even when I was arrested once for fighting two Police officers. She gave me advice, tended to my wounds, told me when she was proud of me and told me when she expected so much more out of me. I loved her…though I don’t remember ever telling her that…it wasn’t the way I was raised…emotions hidden and certain ones not suppose to be expressed by a boy. Yet today I cried. My heart has been heavy all day and everything sorta clouded. I hadn’t seen Bootsy in some years and she had a lot of demons that I guess caught up to her but her laughter echos in my heart and she is not forgotten. But I feel lost…heavy. I have cried several times today and yet somehow I am feel more tears trying to get out.
I won’t go to the funeral. I don’t like funeral’s nor hospitals. Nothing good ever happened at a hospital in my mind except the birth of my children and funeral’s are just a place where a group of people go to cry and mourn and talk about things that make the living even sadder. I don’t want those to be the last thoughts, memories or feelings in my mind. I want to remember Bootsies warm laugh and soft touch on my back and how she spoke to me honestly and openly and gave it to me like it was. I want to remember the good.
It’s crazy….I feel so all alone as I have been for so long. I got tired of the disappointments and failures and struggles and battles and all the bullshit that has been so much my life. I rose my fist to God and demanded some answers cause if he was going to make me suffer so much in my life shouldn’t I know why?
I gave up on losing weight…being healthy, without pain….getting my life back, my business, a wife and better way of living. I stopped trying to make friends and find a helping hand, rescue net etc. Nobody is going to rescue me. Nobody is gonna invest that much energy in me.
I spent these last few months with my kids, doing things, going places…giving them memories to remember me by and talking to them everyday trying to instill life lessons that hopefully will stick because my days are numbered. I reconnected with my sister who lives here in Michigan but that I haven’t seen in 13 years because in an arguement 13 years ago she said I wasn’t her brother and not to call her or come around again…so I didn’t. I reconnected with my neices and nephews so that my children could have a relationship with them and extended family for when I’m gone. My sister invited me over, I went and it was as though nothing ever happened. The bound is still new but I was working on it for the sake of my kids and the prepration of my demise but man….this feeling of pain and lost that I am experiencing…..Oh God…I can’t imagine doing this to my kids. I’m troubled with the thought of being the source of this type of pain to them.
I’m lost, I’m hurting, I’m feeling a certain Kind of way.
I gave up posting to this blog for awhile because the response were few and most not postive and I felt like it became a means for people to attack me and I really didn’t like having to defend or explain myself over and over. The blog was suppose to be my story…my struggle and maybe the only record of what is going on should I not make my goal or save my life. It was also suppose to offer other people of similar condition or worse the knowledge that they aren’t alone and maybe learn from my mistakes and try to succeed in their own quest which I hope any of them would. Maybe even reach out to me and unite to fight this fight together. I could use a friend as maybe they could.
What happened was is that after 7 months or so of not going to the gym and my friends absence it came to head when he was upset about the comments in my blog and feelings I expressed in some texts we exchanged. It wasn’t my intention to upset him but he didn’t like what I felt. I’m not sure what to do about that…I mean it was what I felt. He was absent, he never explained why and part of me was waiting on his return to continue the journey and he didn’t like that either. We started together…he just got off somewhere along the way, lol.
An that’s fine, he did what he did and I appreciate every single thing that he did because never was he ever obligated to do any of what he did and after he threw a few things up in my face I knew that that part of the journey had to end. No hard feelings, he is a good guy and he invested some time in me and I am that much better for it but at some point I guess I became more of a burden or challenge than he could invest in and I understand that whole heartedly and surely didn’t want him to think I didn’t appreciate him nor argue with him about anything so I retreated.
I was hurt and had to adjust after all he had been a source of hope and a crutch for several months prior to his own retreat and I viewed him as a friend and I don’t have friends to lose. Anyway that was my problem not his and after a while I crept out on my own to fight the fight alone after all when it is all said and done that is what you are…alone. No one will care about you as much as yourself. It’s true..No One will care about you as much as you!! You have to find that somewhere within yourself…it’s there..somewhere under the clay..buried under broken promises, let downs and all the mental and physical pain that you have felt over time. It’s there.. you have to find it and buff it up. You have to break the chains that hold you down and free yourself from all that would hold you back.
So I started at a track. I had the thought in my head for weeks but the fear of the pain that i was going to feel and the looks and comments that people were going to make kept me locked out of walking the track. But one day I started…the track has a rail I can hold on to with one hand and I can use my cane with the other. I only made it a 1/4 of the way and was sweating and my back hurt and I was shamed and my back spasming. So I stopped.
I went back the next day and I made it around 1/2 way…I pushed myself. It hurted and I sat on a ledge and could barely breath and a man came up and asked if I was ok and I nodded. I went back the 3rd day and was going to try a 3/4 completetion when a lady walked up next to me and slowed to my pace and place her hand on my shoulder. She said I have seen you here a few times and wanted to say something to you but was afraid because some people react strangely but I have been praying for you and would like to walk with you and encourage you because I know that it is hard and people don’t understand. She said i don’t want you to listen to the put downs or ignorant comments of others some of which may come from friends or family because I know there the worse but you remain strong and you will overcome.
As she talked I had went past the 3/4 mark and had made a complete circle of the track and as I sat she came next to me and I wondered had she struggle with her weight or what have you and she told me, no. She has a son who is 19 and is taller and just as heavy as I but has the mental capacity of a 10 year old and is special needs. She told me he has never riden a bike and has problem with his motor skills and that people have said rude and ignorant things to her and him concerning his weight and appearance but he like me isn’t an overeatter he just doesn’t get the proper excersise or movement that he needs which is why she could relate to my challenges. It was inspiring. I haven’t seen her since but the next day I did a lap and a half around the track.