Update

 I don’t anyone is following this thing. It’s been awhile since I posted. I pretty much had forgotten about the whole blog thing until this Birthday Thing popped up saying how old the blog was.
       I wish I had a lot of good news and things to brag about but truth is I don’t. So many bad things have happened it’s just been crazy. I’m out of school so my dream to get a degree I Creative Imaging and Illustration pretty much died. I’m capped out on grants and out of pocket I just can’t swing it.
     I was in a car accident which pretty much caused the death of my van so I went 5 months without transportation. I gave up on the weight loss, too many things going on and not enough support and encouragement and alone I just unable to fight too much. Things weighed heavy on my mind for months. I stop going to therapy…going once a week talking to some to talk about my problems just wasn’t cutting it. I talk they listened and I went home with fresh pain and memories, didn’t make sense to me to keep repeating that cycle.
        Me and my son was going to the YMCA downtown for awhile using the pool together until a dispute of the handicap parking spot at the Y became an issue and I and my son were kicked out of the Y. Booted by a religious based group…what a new Low. 
          I started having more sever medical issues and was back and forth to the hospital a lot. A lot of pain. Next week I go in in  for a procedure to make sure I don’t have cancer. I am sure I don’t but I have been blooding a lot lately. I started seeing an endocrinologist  who agreed my metabolism is slowed and he’ trying to help me speed it up but the insurance is fighting him with every prescription he writes they turn it down but we have made some progress despite that.
           One daughter went off to college and the other seldom around. Feels lonely but at least I have my son and sometimes my youngest daughter but still most of the time I am alone. Which comes back down to this fight. I am alone….it’s up to me and me alone. What ever strength there is I have to find it and fed it to battle this issue. It is what it is. Well , Happy Birthday…Blog.

Someone Didn’t like my last post

My last post sparked a response from someone who really had a lot to say. It was received awhile ago but I just now decided to post it since they chose to send it to me directly in an e-mail. I never responded mainly as I saw no point. It makes no sense to me to participate in an argument that has no potential for resolution and they clearly have an opinion and are entitled to it whether I agree or not.
The previous post had little to do with them although a guilty conscious may have had them absorb it and claim it as exclusively their own. Interestingly enough I sort of felt attacked in this e-mail despite it being titled Tough Love.
Although I disagree with many points of this e-mail it really doesn’t matter because they have been long absent from MY JOURNEY but what I really can’t let go is that it seems to reverse the original offer/promise or commitment someone else has made as me being ungrateful because they did not fulfilled what they themselves have offered or promised.
I mean if you offer a starving man a sandwich but never give it to him is he to be grateful for the offer despite his hunger still exists? According to this e-mail he should be grateful anyone noticed him and offered to feed him whether he eats or not. Now I can see if you offer him an apple and give it to him and he refuses because he was hoping for steak but is that the same not wanting to let a stranger that is homeless live with you and your children because he claims to be able to help you despite unknown credentials or background, etc. I dunno, I guess in the e-mailer’s eyes yes.
Did I talk about anyone disrespectfully or S@*t talk anyone, God, I hope not. I don’t recall doing so and apologize if anyone every thought so but if they offered help and never help, How can I be responsible for their lack of follow through? I can’t force them into fulfilling any offer/promise etc. but can’t be excited merely because they said I will/can/would like to/ etc. help you in your quest and then disappear and leave me chasing empty offers or begging for a response to unanswered e-mails or calls.
Now I do appreciate anything and everything anyone has done, Done being the key word, be it one walk with me or a pat on the back but there is no sustenance in an unfulfilled offer or promise and I am saying that those empty offers of help produces false hope and compounds the struggle even more.
I don’t idolize Super heroes but I guess being one would be awesome then I wouldn’t have to seek and beg for help of strangers that have no reason/ motive to help me in a quest not their own because one thing is right about the e-mail is that this is my fight, Alone. I was just dumb exposing myself and my weaknesses seeking help for what alone I have been unable to do.  
The e-mailer did actually make an effort, took time out of THEIR life and spent money on ME to plan and execute a solution to MY problems.  the e-mailer may have even defended me, made exceptions for me I am not sure. The e-mailer did find me work, cooked me a dinner, and perhaps had to make space in their hearts to care about me and my son/family,etc, etc, .Etc. so I can’t realistically say anything negative about them and it has to be my fault that they disappeared.
 It has to be my fault that this friend has several times threw these things in my face and reminded me every chance they could that this wasn’t their fight or problem and of all the things that they have done. 
Yeah, friend…tough ….anyway…I’ve included the e-mail below. I am no longer seeking help from strangers, never had help from family and I guess friends rub your face in things and abandon you without explanation so I’m on my own until I can make a costume and pretend to be a super hero capable of  saving myself at least if nothing else. 

Tough Love

.Read your Tumblr blog, and to be blunt, I feel disheartened and betrayed by the jabs you’ve thrown. Though, for the most part, you’ve kept my name out of it, you CLEARLY  have gripes with things we spoke about accomplishing TOGETHER and have  seemingly convinced yourself that it is everyone’s fault but your  own that those things never came to fruition.
1) You have called out all the people, regardless of their ability to help, that have AT THE LEAST made the effort on your behalf to stop and listen to your story and tried to be empathetic.
2) You have taken for granted the offers people HAVE made to help, not because they weren’t fair offers but because for reasons that are ultimately YOUR responsibility weren’t offers you had the willingness/ability to take.
3) You have shit-talked and disrespected people, like myself, that actually made an effort, took time out of THEIR lives and spent money on YOU to plan and execute a solution to YOUR problems.  People that tried to teach you, defended you, made exceptions for you, found you work, cooked you dinner, made space in their hearts to care about you and your son/family, purchased and delivered fitness equipment to your home, etc., etc., ETC…
Everything that was offered to you was offered as a favor, NOT A PROMISE. I’ve listened to you gripe, shout and cry about how unfair life and people have been. I’ve watched videos of you walking the track claiming ‘this time I’m READY to fight’ and I’ve seen your Craigslist ads claiming that you “…just need the help and encourgement and a friend wouldn’t hurt either…” and that you “…will do everything I can to help you help me." You HAD the help, you HAD a friend and you HAD an opportunity, but you squandered it.  It is clear to me that you aren’t REALLY willing to put the effort in to make change happen, otherwise you’d already be celebrating achievements in major weight loss, improved health and mobility, increased social interactivity, improved economic status, etc. You’ve spent all your energy (physically, emotionally and spiritually) cursing the world, the pain, the process, your past and the help you’ve been GIVEN instead of INVESTING your energy in MAKING CHANGE HAPPEN!!!

You idolize superheroes, perhaps because you relate to them and the GARGANTUAN challenges they face.  But when it comes right down to it, when faced by your nemesis/cryptonite, you falter. You don’t stand strong and rise to the occasion, tearing open your shirt to show the world the symbol emblazoned upon your chest proclaiming your super power. Instead you blame the world for making your challenges challenging and you seek out PITY instead of SUPPORT as though somehow that’s going to make things easier/better. You spend so much time trying to convince everyone that you got the shit end of the stick that you have no time to clean off the stick and fashion it into a tool and actually accomplish anything!
You are welcome to interpret this email however you choose. In a way I am defending myself and the efforts I’ve made, and CONTINUE to make, on your behalf. I’m not asking for reimbursement or compensation, but rather RESPECT for all those that have made an offer/effort to help you regardless of the outcome. All those others that wanted  weeding or rides or money or a place to live or SOMETHING in  return weren’t asking for more than they deserved, they were asking for  more than you were willing/able to give. It’s NOT THEIR FAULT that you  can’t/won’t make the effort for them if they were willing to  make the effort for you. Even if their help didn’t SEEM like much, show a little RESPECT and GRATITUDE for their willingness to care!
A donation is a donation…if you’re unhappy with the size or type of donation being offered, perhaps it is best if you specify this in your requests for assistance. Just don’t be surprised to find people polarized against you if the only help you are willing to accept is help that is convenient for YOUR life/schedule/process.
Perhaps you’ll consider this a last-ditch-effort of sorts to try and get you to realize that NOBODY is going to fight this fight FOR YOU. Some of us may choose to fight this fight WITH you but NOBODY is going to save you…its up to you to save yourself.  If that truth is too difficult to grapple with then all hope REALLY IS lost and all of us on the outside looking in, whether you’re aware of us or not, should stop wasting our time caring.
Look, I KNOW you are in pain, I KNOW it is hard, I KNOW it is a STRUGGLE to face yourself and make the day anew. But I also KNOW that the only person that can make change happen in life, whether it be in their own or in that of another, is someone that is willing to push past the inconveniences, past the limitations, past the excuses and through the pain and the hardships. As long as you continue to blame EVERYONE ELSE for YOUR situation you will bear too much of your weight on the convenience and familiarity of the excuses that have imprisoned you in your body, your home, your guilt, your sorrow, your depression and your anxiety for the last 10 years. At some point you may want to spend less time HOPING an angel is going to swoop down and SAVE you and spend more time HOPING you have ENOUGH time left to ACTUALLY save yourself!

It Doesn’t Exist

I don’t know what happened with Kandice. she messaged that she wanted to help but never responded to my replies and never made contact with me.
Maybe she changed her mind? It happens…in fact it happens most of the time…people respond and say they want to help but disappear some right after they send the e-mail, others after a few e-mails  and almost none ever make it to actual face to face contact. I’m not sure why this happens or how much damage this does to me mentally. It’s like a cruel game…a sudden burst of hope, then t’s stripped away.
    I learned that part of me wants someone to care, to value my life and worth enough to help me. Perhaps because I was abused in my youth and mistreated in my adult life I need that somewhere but the lack of it and misrepresentation of it in my life is what caused me to be so self secluded and ultimately suffering anxiety attacks and the issues I possess.
      People make promises, they say things that they don’t really mean or maybe mean superficially. It makes them feel good to offer I guess whether they follow through or not but am I to feel grateful for the thought even if not fruitful? I can’t really…I was expecting it after all they offered..I need it but they have no real obligation to fulfill it so I guess they don’t. I have had offers to help me juice, build a garden, exercise, stick with me and help me lose the weight and get fit to the end. Even offers to help me learn to cook healthy dishes and even to help my son learn to ride a bike since it has been a struggle for me to and my son at 8 years old still can’t ride a bike because his father hasn’t been able to walk him through it and support him.
          Offers sometimes came with weird conditions like I will become your life coach but I will have to live with you because I’m sorta homeless. I gave it some thought and if not for my kids I would have may be chanced letting this stranger live with me One lady said she was a trainer and had a farm and would help me if I signed a contract and worked on her farm feeding animals, pulling weeds or whatever she needed. Guess I would have lost weight that way but guess she didn’t understand I can’t even put on my own socks and shoes or wipe my rear end let alone pull weeds or maneuver a farm and rustle animals. My dog doesn’t even go for a walk.
              I had a guy that learned how to be a trainer while in prison and got a certification as part of his drug rehab program and would train me if I took him on errands and picked him up when training because he couldn’t get a driver’s license for a few years still. Another guy who was pretty buff himself and spent a lot of time telling me what he could do and how he is creating this program and that program but never really got around to training me or anything wanted to video tape me from start to end and use me to market his future business and make commercials in exchange. I agreed to not really caring but he never followed through and I guess went into finance  banking or something. He did drive a beamer, lol.
              Then there is this wall above in the pic .During the summer I saw this message spray painted all around Detroit and it caught my attention. I imagined a homeless person who wanted off the streets. Wanted his life back if he ever even had much of one. Wanted a chance…a start…a helping hand…not empty promises or paths the lead nowhere. Going to the shelters…Most don’t know that a lot of shelters make you pay something to stay the night…and while $7 or $8 a day isn’t so bad for a night of warmth and a cot it can be like a million bucks when you are homeless and panhandling is not profitable or you are chased away by the police etc.
             Even free meals are generally once a day and requires you to have to set through church service and prayer. Then let you in late in the afternoon to sleep and you are up and ousted by 6 am to start all over. Most don’t have id or documents needed to get help, a job, etc. or an address to have the items sent to if they could meet the requirements needed to obtain them or the money to cover it. Ever need a social security reissued when you need a lost one replaced? It’s wild you need 3 pieces of Id to get the one and it’s very restrictive…a birth certificate doesn’t count. a utility bill in your name won’t work….not likely to have a credit card or passport. It’s a weird circle and if you need one type of id to get another man you are lost.
            You can’t open a bank account , you can’t get employment, an apartment, etc. These people say I am trying to help you….I need $8 for you to spend the night, I am trying to help you,  you need 3 pieces of id to get this id, I know you money, I know you don’t have an address, etc. They must feel like help doesn’t exist because day after day…week after week, month after month they are still homeless, hungry, cold and alone.

Helping

Hi,

My name is Kandice, I have read your story on Craigslist. I am not a trainer or a nutritionist, but I have educated myself on the subject of healthy living. My heat goes out to you for your bravery in doing this. I do not know you, but I am willing to help if I can. Please contact me so that we may discuss where you are and where you are trying to go.

Sincerely,
Kandice

My Body

The human body is so amazing and it truly attempt to adapt to situations and it’s environment.
    A month or two I noticed what felt like a lump on my shin, only on the left leg. I checked the right leg several times to see if such a lump existed but it did not so I made a doctor’s appointment  with ortho since it was time to have my knees checked again anyway.
   Physical exam and some x-rays later and it turns out my attempts to be active comes with a price other than the pain and muscle weakness, cramps and good stuff like that. My body trying to cope with my weight has decided to increase the bone density in my leg to help support me! Who knew such a thing was possible?
     But wait….Why only on my left leg I asked….Turn out that my right has extra support…my cane! The can lessens the weight and strain to my right side the bone density has not been as noticeable.  Turns out part of the back pain and aching is also because the doctor has noticed that 3 vertebrae in my back have also become more dense to support my weight.
    Off to podiatry. I get my toe nails clipped and trimmed and I need to get a MRI down on my right foot but as the doctor is conducting the exam he asks why do I stand the way that I do with my feet angled outward….hmmm, maybe it is the mass along my thighs that make it hard to have my legs any closer…geez. imagine a pillow taped to both of your thighs sorta had to close your legs right?
       I guess a doctor would be more aware but I guess I was wrong…guess most people don’t know or understand how different obese people v.s. slender people have to do things or move, etc. Everything is a chore even the most subtle. Guess slender people never give it a thought. Riding a stationary bicycle for example is sorta like a adult riding a child’s tricycle. Legs pushed way out causing a very uncomfortable strain in the crouch.
        But I also suffered from boils that developed and cysts that would rupture full of puss and blood. The skin became like leather from skin rubbing and sore with swelling and irritation in the creases of my groin area like a diaper rash. Sweat caused fungus infections in the folds of my skin and there I go with new potions and lotions and scripts to deal with symptoms not cures.
     Podiatry decides I need some splints to better support my arches and help correct my stance. We’ll see what the MRI says soon I guess. in the mean time I guess my body will keep adapting and trying to take care of itself.

Feeling a Certain Kind of Way

Today I discovered that my aunt Bootsy died yesterday. At first I was fine but less than 10 minutes later I was sitting in my vehicle crying like a baby. I was shocked by the emotion and my reaction.
The feeling that was rushing over me I hadn’t felt in such a long time. It’s a feeling I have guarded myself from feeling ever again…one that was brought back up to me and past the defenses I thought I had in place. It reminded me of when my mother died. I was num up until when the funeral was over and I collasped with no strength in my legs or arms.
    Bootsy was not my real aunt per se, she was my stepfather’s sister but not one day in her life did she ever treat me without love even when she was getting me in line. She was there for me during some of the roughest points in my life. She was there when I was abused, she was there when I was in street fights, gang brawls and even when I was arrested once for fighting two Police officers. She gave me advice, tended to my wounds, told me when she was proud of me and told me when she expected so much more out of me. I loved her…though I don’t remember ever telling her that…it wasn’t the way I was raised…emotions hidden and certain ones not suppose to be expressed by a boy. Yet today I cried. My heart has been heavy all day and everything sorta clouded. I hadn’t seen Bootsy in some years and she had a lot of demons that I guess caught up to her but her laughter echos in my heart and she is not forgotten. But I feel lost…heavy. I have cried several times today and yet somehow I am feel more tears trying to get out.
     I won’t go to the funeral. I don’t like funeral’s nor hospitals. Nothing good ever happened at a hospital in my mind except the birth of my children and funeral’s are just a place where a group of people go to cry and mourn and talk about things that make the living even sadder. I don’t want those to be the last thoughts, memories or feelings in my mind. I want to remember Bootsies warm laugh and soft touch on my back and how she spoke to me honestly and openly and gave it to me like it was. I want to remember the good.
      It’s crazy….I feel so all alone as I have been for so long. I got tired of the disappointments and failures and struggles and battles and all the bullshit that has been so much my life. I rose my fist to God and demanded some answers cause if he was going to make me suffer so much in my life shouldn’t I know why?
       I gave up on losing weight…being healthy, without pain….getting my life back, my business, a wife and better way of living. I stopped trying to make friends and find a helping hand, rescue net etc. Nobody is going to rescue me. Nobody is gonna invest that much energy in me.
       I spent these last few months with my kids, doing things, going places…giving them memories to remember me by and talking to them everyday trying to instill life lessons that hopefully will stick because my days are numbered. I reconnected with my sister who lives here in Michigan but that I haven’t seen in 13 years because in an arguement 13 years ago she said I wasn’t her brother and not to call her or come around again…so I didn’t. I reconnected with my neices and nephews so that my children could have a relationship with them and extended family for when I’m gone. My sister invited me over, I went and it was as though nothing ever happened. The bound is still new but I was working on it for the sake of my kids and the prepration of my demise but man….this feeling of pain and lost that I am experiencing…..Oh God…I can’t imagine doing this to my kids. I’m troubled with the thought of being the source of this type of pain to them.
     I’m lost, I’m hurting, I’m feeling a certain Kind of way.

Cutting the grass is a challenge. I still can’t walk or stand long or do any real labor but decided to get creative as the grass was extremely high and I cannot afford to have it done. It took 3 hours and I ended up throwing up and I am sure I will be paying for it tomorrow but at least it’s done. Not sure if I can do the backyard though, lol.